Sunday, May 18, 2008


The story you are about to read is true; only the names haven't been changed to protect the inocent.
This is the city, Los Angeles, California, oh I mean Bumpass, Virginia. It was Friday,
May 16th, it was hot in Bumpass. I was working the day watch in the boredom division. My partner is Frank Smith, the boss is Chief of Detectives Dad; my name is Friday Jubal. It was 1345 hours when I received the report that Homer J. and JEB were scheduled for an afternoon appointment with Big Al Witter, aka "The DOC." JEB was due for his 3 year rabies shot and the nose shot; Homer J. had a new lump on his left hind leg. He had another one show up a few weeks ago that turned out to be a fat globule. He had one pop up over his left eye but it was an easily drained cyst. He had one show up on his right side just after last Christmas but it turned out to be some bad stuff and he had to have it removed; his hair is only now just about grown back. The people don't take any chances with Homer J. since then. Chance and Gordon both have gone away to the bridge in the nine months because of the big "C" so we check out everything; better safe than sorry. I think that a new alias for Homer J. will be "Bumpy." I was keeping a sharp eye on the Bumpass Hounds, locked in the backyard paddock for a wide variety of crimes from digging holes by the fence to knocking over the automatic water bowl and having water running for 14 hours. I think a few muddy paw print charges were pending on the entire pack of hounds. The cats had all filed disturbing the peace charges against each of the Bumpass Hounds gang. The gangs big muscle is a big bag lady known as Shiloh. She's been in lockup just about her whole life. She's easy to spot in the gang; just look up and as you lower your view the first gang member you see is "The Shi." She has the droopy red eyes, not from lack of sleep, and the constant mouth drool. She's the one that always has something to say; always has to get in the last word. The word "OAF" comes to mind. Not the brightest light on the tree or the sharpest knife in the drawer. You know the type; we all do. Shi and her brother Max, had taken over the territory and were now running all the rackets. It was about 1400 hours when Capt Dad came down the the cell block (paddock) to check out JEB and Homer for transport to Big Al's clinic. He had two leashes with him. He usually brings prisoners from the paddock into the kennel where he leashes them and then takes them to the Paddy Wagon, that way the chances for escape are minimized. But today, for some unknown stupid reason he decided he'd just leash them up on the patio and take them out the side gate to the wagon. I knew this was a mistake and I started barking to let him know my concern. All of the other hounds started barking too. They wanted to know where JEB and Homer were going and why they weren't going along. Was this a trip to McDonald's, Famous Dave's or Burger King? Capt Dad was yelling at the gang to knock it off and be quiet (sort of). He got a chain on to Homer J. with no problem and opened the gate being careful to position himself so as to keep the gang in the cell block. He had just managed to get Homer J. through the gate when Big Shi made her play. She wedged her big fat head in between Capt Dad and the gate post and shoved with all her might. Capt Dad managed to hold on to Homer J's leash but he lost his balance and fell away from the gate with Homer J pulling and Big Shi pushing. There it was, a wide opening to the driveway and beyond that -- freedom and who knows what other wonders. Like a flash each gang member barged through the opening and out into the driveway and front yard. I followed in quick pursuit not knowing what to do. I heard Capt Dad calling vainly for all of us to come back; he must have mistakenly thought that I was part of this Great Escape of the Magnificent Seven (Shiloh, Max, JEB, Shelby, Jack, Abby and me, Jubal). Only Homer J. still being leashed and now tied to the jet skis trailer kept this from being the Escape of the Great Eight. Upon hearing Capt Dad calling for our return, I promptly gave up my pursuit of the Bumpass gang and returned to my master who promptly placed me back at my post in the paddock. I took up position on the deck stairs landing where I could best see the goings on. The gang was headed up the driveway to the road. As they passed the Paddy Wagon, Max noticed that the tailgate was down and decided the best way to go for a ride would be to jump in. He did (there goes his Mensa membership) and was quickly apprehended there by Capt Dad and brought into the paddock for me to supervise. The remaining five gang members decided it was time to blow the scene and they took off up the road like Greyhounds out of the starting gate. Like that movie "Gone in Six Seconds." Capt Dad was not pleased. He now had only about 1 hour & 20 minutes until the appointment with Big Al and one of the patients was AWOL. (Capt Dad later issued a statement to Chief Mom which I overheard so I can relate the story to y'all.) Capt Dad was somewhat surprised that that gang hadn't run down the street toward the lake. About this time Big Shi came walking back down the road and turned into the driveway. She hadn't been able to keep up with the faster retrievers. As she trotted into the driveway, she noticed the open tailgate and jumped up into the back of the Paddy Wagon. Another easy apprehension and loss of MENSA membership. Capt Dad promptly locked her up along with Max for me to guard. Capt Dad then hopped into the Paddy Wagon and took off after the gang od escapees. He decided that he'd cruise the neighborhood but would first check out the community marina and boat ramp at the end of the next street over. He cruised at a slow speed checking out all of the yards along the way. As he approached the gate to the marina area he got out of the wagon and walked down towards the docks; then he spotted a Golden Retriever on one of the docks. As Capt Dad got closer he spotted the rest of the gang splashing around in the lake. By now all four water dogs had obviously been in for a dip. Capt Dad yelled for them to all "stop in the name of the law" which they did. He then issued instructions from afar for them all to "get your butts up here and get in the car" which they, somewhat miraculously, also did. Each of the four dripping dogs was able to jump up on to the tailgate and into the back of the Paddy Wagon (aka: RSQWGN). Capt Dad promptly raised the tailgate and the window to prevent further escape. Back to the paddock came the prisoners. Each of the escapees, less JEB, was returned to lockup. The ringleader, Big Shi, took this opportunioty to tell Capt Dad that she was not happy about having to go back into the paddock and she had no bones about telling Capt Dad just that. Capt Dad told her that she was right, there would be "no bones" for her that day. Capt Dad then untied poor old Homer J. from the jet ski trailer where he'd been the entire time and put him into the rather damp back of the RESWGN with the still dripping JEB for the trip up to see Big Al Witter. During the hour ride, Capt Dad partially opened the back window to get some warm air circulating in hopes of assisting the drying process with JEB but he was still pretty damp upon arrival at Big Al's Clinic. Capt Dad made the obligatory apologies for his stupidity and JEB's damp condition. Fortunately, neither Big Al nor any of his henchmen seemed the least concerned. JEB got his rabies vaccination and the shot of stuff up his nose. Then, most importantly, Homer J. had his lump examined. Big Al had his vet tech, Lucky Laurie, aspirate the lump and exam the cells. GREAT NEWS - just another fat globule for ole Bumpy. We all want to thank Big Al and the other gang members of the Confederate Ridge Animal Hospital for taking such good care of the Bumpass Hounds gang. All in all, it was a good adventure with the happy ending to the Great Escape of the Magnificent Seven.



Homer J.
Jack: Hey Shelby, what happens when it rains cats and dogs?
Shelby: I don't know Jack. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
Jack: You can step in a poodle!
Jack: Hey Shelby, why are dogs like phones?
Shelby: I don't know Jack. Why are dogs like phones?
Jack: Because they have collar IDs.

1 comment:

Peanut said...

Oh my goodness what an exciting day. You told the story so well.


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If you can, please consider opening your home to a homeless animal, preferably a dog or cat or other domesticated animal; livestock does better on farms and wild animals do better in zoos and parks. Your local Humane Society or SPCA or Animal Shelter has a wide selection of could be, should be, pets looking for new homes. If you can't adopt, perhaps you can at least become a sponsor. We'll show you how to help out Almost Heaven Golden Retriever Rescue and Sanctuary (AHGRRS) on our blog page, but you can help out any organization of your choice, but please help; contribute or volunteer.
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